I'm not alone

Being alone in the car,

That's when I miss you the most.

I go from looking at the road,to seeing all in a big blur.
Only a line of shiny lightsEverything else becomes unimportant now.I turn off the music,it no longer makes sense to sing so loud.
The speed I so carefully once controlled doesn't matter at all,The car practically drives itself,or maybe you took over so I can let go,And I let go.
I let all the feelings flow,Flowing, spilling out violently from by body.My heart, it pours pain, constraintFor trying to keep it together all along.
I say all the words that are holding me back,I cry all the tears that have been tormenting my sleep,All the whimpers of pain I don't want to keep.
I miss someone to hold me tight,Someone to tell me it will all be alright.Someone who thinks of you as a precious treasure.The thought of never having that feeling scares me,Send me to the ledger.
But an interesting thing happened just then,I cried out your name and the tear suddenly stoppedMy heart felt something.My breath slowed down,I pulled my hair back,My heart felt a tingle,My hands reach for yours,but your hand isn't there,But your love and warmth are there for sure.
I argue with myselfI reason with myselfI calm myself
I'm not alone,the night goes on,I get home,I'm alone.
The morning came and it brought me a surprise,I woke up happy today, contentNo obstacles would be on my way today,Any problem that started would solve itself outI wonder why, even though I already know.
I smile,I thank you,I blow you a kiss.
It's amazing to me,How lucky I must be.A mom like you is one of a kind,You somehow took my pain away,Love and hapiness fill my mind.

I've moved!

I created a new page using Wix.

It's more organized and I can personalize it more.

http://cibellesantos.wix.com/andthenthatwasme

Check it out! :)

Cibelle

With me

I woke up feeling different today,
The full moon was bright, and sun was on its way.
My intuition was right all along,
The fuzzy feeling on my hands and the warmth in my heart was you after all.

Ever since we spoke the other day I've been happy,
The bliss in your voice was undeniable,
The way you talked was hopeful,
Your jokes were comforting,
You love was stronger than ever.

You told me things I needed to know,
You reminded me that its important to be strong.
You reinforced the bond we've had all this time,
You proved that your love would always be mine.

I also learned to love who I am,
Let your soul shine through mine you said.
To enjoy life and with me you'll be,
To be outside and keep good company.

So it was true all along you live in my heart,
I'll try to listen more often,
I'll trust your plans.
But know that I'm happy you're well,
In a beautiful place,
and in my heart as well.

About time

In time it will all be better, they say.
In time the pain will reside, they say.
In time things will go back to normal, they say.
They say words that float through the air and never reach my mind.

Problems come, problems go.
Times stops, time runs.
Fights start, fights end.
Days go, but I stay.
I stay in a time when I was unaware,
unaware of the dangers, when there was laughter without a care.

Enjoy the journey, they say.
Be grateful, they say.
Seize the day, they say.
They say those things and yet I don't listen, I pray.

I know where you are, it's clear to me know.
I'm still getting adjusted to this new way of being.
I feel you warming my heart when it gets cold,
I feel your peace in my heart when it's enraged,
I feel you cry when I need your help.
Don't fright, I'm well.

You taught me a very important lesson, you know?
To live selflessly, to lighten up, to get past the bumps on the road.
Trust in me to live as you wished,
To forgive others, to be strong.
Your love is with me as always it will be.
As you are not only my mother,
but a hero to me.

My grieving heart

It's been 6 months that I lost my mother, who was and still is everything to me. I can't always express feelings in spoken words but writing sometimes helps me relief some pain. Only those who have suffered through such lost understand, so I hope I can help others who might be going through the same pain. My heart goes out to you.

In the split of a second when everything seems alright,

tears came rushing down my eyes.

Anger, sadness, confusion took over my heart and I almost forgot how to breath.

Where were you when I needed you to hold me?

Disappointment, more anger, sorrow as my heart ached,

What did I do to deserve such a sad fate?

I try as hard as I can to hold my heart in place,

It feels as if it was stabbed, sore and it needs my hand to stay safe.

I miss the days when I didn't live in pain,

I miss the days when you called too much,

I miss the days when we could touch,

I try to imagine how you feel now,

In a beautiful meadow, with your sister and mother.

Does your heart ache too? Do you see my pain?

At times I hope you don't.

I miss the days when you worried I was alone,

I miss the days when you wanted me to come home,

I miss the days when you made me tea and worried I wouldn't eat.

I try to imagine you happy now,

Free from all the pain there could ever be.

That's where I want you,

In your own paradise.

I want to remember all the silly jokes you made,

I want to remember all the times I rolled my eyes at something you said,

I want to remember how no matter how sad I was, you would always make me feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to you. 

But I was the lucky one,

I am lucky enough to know unconditional love,

I am lucky enough to have a mom who always put me first,

I am lucky enough to have grown-up with you

But not lucky enough to know what it is like to live without the pain of letting you go.

Lose you I did not,

I carry you very heavily in my heart.

I think about you night and day,

Life without you is not the same.

So with these words I send my love,

I send my sadness and my deep concerns.

But most of all I wish you well,

I wish you beauty and I wish you rest.

There is no one I will ever love more,

but please be well, my mamis, I adore.

On turning 27 without my Mother

I used to write a lot and every since I lost my mom I avoid it. Partly because it makes me sad and partly because everything I write ends up so dark. But I think this is something I need to face, so in efforts to maybe get it out I'll share a little bit about what I'm going through...here it goes.

On turning 27 without my Mother

I could easily say this will be my worst birthday ever.
I could easily say this was my worst year ever.
I could easily say I now know the meaning of extreme pain.
But nothing seems easy these days.

I could say that I miss you.
I could say that you live in my mind.
I could say  you llive in my heart.
But  saying it has no meaning anymore.

It seems unfair to continue to get older.
It seems unfair to laugh.
It seems unfair to cry.
Is it living if I'm merely getting by?

Six  months have passed and I still struggle to let you go.
As I turn 27 I can't help but remember,
Remember the person who gave me my life and also her own.
The person who would do anything to make me smile.
It feels wrong to live without you,
It feels wrong to love without you,
It feels empty to acomplish anything.

And yet I do, I get up and live my life.

I can't give up now.

Not after all you've done.

So in your honor, 

I keep living.

I keep loving.

I keep missing you.