My grieving heart

It's been 6 months that I lost my mother, who was and still is everything to me. I can't always express feelings in spoken words but writing sometimes helps me relief some pain. Only those who have suffered through such lost understand, so I hope I can help others who might be going through the same pain. My heart goes out to you.

In the split of a second when everything seems alright,

tears came rushing down my eyes.

Anger, sadness, confusion took over my heart and I almost forgot how to breath.

Where were you when I needed you to hold me?

Disappointment, more anger, sorrow as my heart ached,

What did I do to deserve such a sad fate?

I try as hard as I can to hold my heart in place,

It feels as if it was stabbed, sore and it needs my hand to stay safe.

I miss the days when I didn't live in pain,

I miss the days when you called too much,

I miss the days when we could touch,

I try to imagine how you feel now,

In a beautiful meadow, with your sister and mother.

Does your heart ache too? Do you see my pain?

At times I hope you don't.

I miss the days when you worried I was alone,

I miss the days when you wanted me to come home,

I miss the days when you made me tea and worried I wouldn't eat.

I try to imagine you happy now,

Free from all the pain there could ever be.

That's where I want you,

In your own paradise.

I want to remember all the silly jokes you made,

I want to remember all the times I rolled my eyes at something you said,

I want to remember how no matter how sad I was, you would always make me feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to you. 

But I was the lucky one,

I am lucky enough to know unconditional love,

I am lucky enough to have a mom who always put me first,

I am lucky enough to have grown-up with you

But not lucky enough to know what it is like to live without the pain of letting you go.

Lose you I did not,

I carry you very heavily in my heart.

I think about you night and day,

Life without you is not the same.

So with these words I send my love,

I send my sadness and my deep concerns.

But most of all I wish you well,

I wish you beauty and I wish you rest.

There is no one I will ever love more,

but please be well, my mamis, I adore.

Fast Metabolism Focus

As stated in my previous post I have been dealing with difficult things lately. I also just had a lot of changes all at once so I need a focus to keep me sane. I heard about the Fast Metabolism Diet and decided to give it a try. Today was my first day and it was pretty smooth. The diet has 3 phases during the week. I just did day 1 for Phase 1 and it was fine. I also attended a Zumba class. I never went hungry, which I like that in a diet. On this diet you have to give up wheat (we'll see ), daily (so far so good), corn (No problem), caffeine (I did have some today, not on an empty stomach, but enough not to get a headache), alcohol (it's ok to do for 28 days).

This is what my day looked like:

I'll try to keep my progess on here!

On turning 27 without my Mother

I used to write a lot and every since I lost my mom I avoid it. Partly because it makes me sad and partly because everything I write ends up so dark. But I think this is something I need to face, so in efforts to maybe get it out I'll share a little bit about what I'm going through...here it goes.

On turning 27 without my Mother

I could easily say this will be my worst birthday ever.
I could easily say this was my worst year ever.
I could easily say I now know the meaning of extreme pain.
But nothing seems easy these days.

I could say that I miss you.
I could say that you live in my mind.
I could say  you llive in my heart.
But  saying it has no meaning anymore.

It seems unfair to continue to get older.
It seems unfair to laugh.
It seems unfair to cry.
Is it living if I'm merely getting by?

Six  months have passed and I still struggle to let you go.
As I turn 27 I can't help but remember,
Remember the person who gave me my life and also her own.
The person who would do anything to make me smile.
It feels wrong to live without you,
It feels wrong to love without you,
It feels empty to acomplish anything.

And yet I do, I get up and live my life.

I can't give up now.

Not after all you've done.

So in your honor, 

I keep living.

I keep loving.

I keep missing you.