My grieving heart

It's been 6 months that I lost my mother, who was and still is everything to me. I can't always express feelings in spoken words but writing sometimes helps me relief some pain. Only those who have suffered through such lost understand, so I hope I can help others who might be going through the same pain. My heart goes out to you.

In the split of a second when everything seems alright,

tears came rushing down my eyes.

Anger, sadness, confusion took over my heart and I almost forgot how to breath.

Where were you when I needed you to hold me?

Disappointment, more anger, sorrow as my heart ached,

What did I do to deserve such a sad fate?

I try as hard as I can to hold my heart in place,

It feels as if it was stabbed, sore and it needs my hand to stay safe.

I miss the days when I didn't live in pain,

I miss the days when you called too much,

I miss the days when we could touch,

I try to imagine how you feel now,

In a beautiful meadow, with your sister and mother.

Does your heart ache too? Do you see my pain?

At times I hope you don't.

I miss the days when you worried I was alone,

I miss the days when you wanted me to come home,

I miss the days when you made me tea and worried I wouldn't eat.

I try to imagine you happy now,

Free from all the pain there could ever be.

That's where I want you,

In your own paradise.

I want to remember all the silly jokes you made,

I want to remember all the times I rolled my eyes at something you said,

I want to remember how no matter how sad I was, you would always make me feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to you. 

But I was the lucky one,

I am lucky enough to know unconditional love,

I am lucky enough to have a mom who always put me first,

I am lucky enough to have grown-up with you

But not lucky enough to know what it is like to live without the pain of letting you go.

Lose you I did not,

I carry you very heavily in my heart.

I think about you night and day,

Life without you is not the same.

So with these words I send my love,

I send my sadness and my deep concerns.

But most of all I wish you well,

I wish you beauty and I wish you rest.

There is no one I will ever love more,

but please be well, my mamis, I adore.